I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
