It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
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apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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