note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
