yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
