I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
