I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
