Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
