You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
did i walk over a car last night?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Enjoy the penises
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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