Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
