i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
