So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
