for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I understand Curling. That high.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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