this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, Iād say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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