He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
