i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
FUCK WHALES
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
