My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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