If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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