Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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