when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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