barbara walters just said penis...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
