Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
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he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
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That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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