if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
