He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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