Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
