just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
