When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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