is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
no you cant smoke seaweed
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
