I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
