my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
