my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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