Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
