Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
