i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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