Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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