It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize