Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
false alarm. still invincible.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
