Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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