My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I just sharted jello shots
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
