shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
