he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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