Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
