We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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