Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
