I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
