my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
