I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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