My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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