we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
