just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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