your parents love me but you hate me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
