I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
