my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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