Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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