i came on her dog
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
