my sisters under your porch take her home
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
